Parang Life

“Life is a constant struggle to find happiness in a world that denies it, to seek a friend in a world that discriminates anything and anyone outside of oneself, to preserve dignity in a world that highlights flaws and solicits shame.

I waver sometimes. Well, oftentimes. I’m not sure where the courage to bounce is coming from. But every time I do, there is more comfort in crawling up than crawling into that hole. It gives me curious energy, renews my spirit, and replenishes my hopes.

And ultimately it imparts meaning - however vague and fleeting it may be - to my human existence.

Life is a constant struggle to live when we are born to die.”


Conversation with the Manager

Mula sa isang bansang walang McDonalds o Starbucks nakausap ko ulit si manager (MGR) sa pamamagitan ng chat:

MGR: may bago b sa muhon? ba't ngayon k lng ngpramdam sa kin ha?
RED: wala. mejo masaya ngayon kaya puro repost.

MGR: ok. so may repost b? bkit k msaya?
RED: basta masaya lang. wala pa repost ulit eh.

RED: kamusta jan
MGR: ok lng i guess. ako lng di ok

RED: bakit?
MGR: stress. pressure. LDR. mid-life crisis n ata to. hehe. ive lost the child in me red.

RED: menopause
MGR: di pa!! may 20 years pko bfore menopause grabe k.nanonood kc ko ng ally mcbeal kya nguguluhan n nmn ako hehe

RED: you've lost it
MGR: u think i really did? is it the child or is it the sanity? 

RED: yes.the child.
MGR: sad yun can i get her back?

RED: sad. you know that. and i think you don't want her back.
MGR: why do u think that??

RED: i dont think so. i know so. 
MGR: ok fine.i want to go home for good.

RED: sabi mo august pa
MGR: i get to go home every quarter. na move lng a week earlier. u think it's a good idea?

MGR: im gonna give up a comfortable quiet life for an ordinary life with the most important people to me.
RED: awwwww...i will always choose the latter

MGR: i know you will.but im not know i will always try to have both. all at once.
RED: that is why we're friends

MGR: y?
RED: you do one thing. i do another. and then we compare notes.

MGR: ok.. 
RED: and then we talk. endless.

MGR: yes. i miss the talks. it went too with the child.
RED: i know. so i have to settle with "heys" and "his" and periods.

MGR: im sorry.but im glad youre keeping me still. ive always thought im always left behind. but at some point you made me realize im the one walking away..
RED: love is never having to say you're sorry.

MGR: thank you for loving me then my friend. pinapaiyak mo na nmn ako..
RED: go!


MGR: I miss you. 
Let me count the ways.
Four years ( I don't count 2007) cant fit into a few words.
Words of wisdom. Beautiful songs. Vague connections.
A common wavelength that we claim to exist and share.
Breakfast. Lunch. Dinners. Snacks. Sleepovers.
The sun and the rain. Holidays.
Rocks. Water. Saturdays.
Stars in the sky. Bob Ong. Word play.

I hate you. _ circa 2008

RED: thank you.
dahil gusto n'ya ng post. ayan.