On The Twelfth

My dearest DRP,

Twelve years. That’s how much time. That’s how long it has been. And your birthday is the ultimate reminder.

A lot has been said and done. Unencumbered numbered words. See, we’re all about them words. You are my personal Bob Ong. You are my weirdest friend. You are my greatest love at one point in time. You are my wandering/wondering/eating/drinking buddy. You were the brightest star during the darkest chapter of my life. You are my anchor to the remaining poet pieces of myself. 

Those twelve years were long and eventful to ever tell of our lives. From the moment you first let me read your lofty verses to the day that I told you I was finally getting married. Everything in the middle went blur and vivid in bursts at the same time. I suddenly didn’t know which memory to grasp and which to let go. 

Is it my grave infatuation towards you? Is it the heartbreak? Is it the friendship? Is it all the long letters and poems? Is it the staring at waters? Is it marveling at sunsets? Is it the endless talking? The long awkward silence which lasted for years? The broken friendships? The attempts to save them? Is it the times we were together with nothing?

Or is it the time apart when we had our dreams come true?

Honestly, I don’t know. Maybe I will just let them flow. I have not put ink on paper in such a long time. I am afraid that my handwriting is no longer legible. But I am more scared that I do not know how to articulate my thoughts anymore. Or that I haven’t really taken time in reverie for so long now. You once said I have let the inner child in me go. Because I didn’t want it anymore. And perhaps that is true…

Perhaps the long awkward silence was the child gone. The hesitation to see you alone is the fear of hearing myself in that old voice.

I can only talk about our past because we have never really moved forward from that. We have not carried our connection through the new chapters that we tread. And no matter how I try, my letter in Tagalog or English, points to goodbye. Or at least an ending. Of what? Im not sure.

But I am certain that something is ending. Literally another year of your life. Literally my singlehood. But I still cannot put a finger on it. Maybe I want to say my formal goodbye just in case life brings us farther apart. Maybe because I want you to know that even if that happens, you will always and always be a special part of me. Maybe because I know the child is lost and I am getting much older each day.

Maybe because this is my chance. Maybe because I am reminded - That 12 is your favorite number and 12 years is how long it’s been.

Happy, happy birthday.

I will always love you. Not in the same way now.

RDP

September 12, 2014

___________________________

Liham ng dahon sa puno (o kabaligtaran).

Hanggang sa Hangganan

DRP,

Ito na yata yun. Ito na ang dulo.

Labingdalawa. Yan ang bilang ng mga taon. Yan ang bilang ng panahon. Labingdalawang kaarawan, Pasko, Bagong Taon, Patay ang Diyos, mahabang usapan, kape, kainan, tubig, fireworks.. maraming marami..

Hindi kayang isaysay ng iilang sulat sa nagdaang sampung taon.

At ngayon nga ay kaarawan mo na naman. Tanda ng kung ilang taong pagkakaibigan. Labingdalawa, kagaya ng paborito mong numero. Marami na nga akong utang na sulat.

At ewan ko. Nararamdaman kong ito na ang huli para sa ngayon. Ito na ang pormal kong pagpapaalam. Sa pagkabata. Sa pagka dalaga. Sa paglalaro ng salita. Sa mapangarap kong diwa. Tama ka. Nawala na nga ako. Dahil ginusto ko. Sa hindi ko matukoy na panahon at punto, binitawan ko ang pagkatao ko na nakatali sa pagkakaibigan natin. Sa mga nakaraan. Sa mga lumang kaibigan. 

At kahit pilitin kong manatili ang dalawang bahagi ng buhay ko sa ngayon, pilit na naisasantabi ang isa. Natatabunan. Nalilibing ng mga alaala. Kahit ang daloy ng mga salita at damdamin ay nawala. Kasabay ng katahimikan. Kasabay ng distansya. Kasabay ng pagbabago ng tibok ng puso at pagdaan ng maraming taon.

Tanging ang pasulput-sulpot na mga salita at alaala ang nagpapagunita.. Tanging mga araw, kagaya ngayon. Pilit ko mang isipin, ang kahapon ay malayong kahapon na. 

Napakalayo na.

Wala na nga ang bata. At hindi ka kilala ng matanda. Pilit nyang inaaninag kung ano ang nakaraan nya sa mga mata mo. Sa taun-taong pagbati at sa paminsan-minsang pagyakap.

Ngunit ito man ang huli, gusto kong sabihin na walang paglimot. Buong paggalang ang mayroon ako sa ating pagkakaibigan at pagmamahal. At kung oras man ay magkulang, mabago man ang takbo ng buhay at lumawak man ang pagitan, sa dulo ay babalik tayo sa simula. Kung kailan man yun.

Maaaring hindi sa pang-labindalawang kaarawan, maaaring sa susunod na pang-labindalawa. O higit pa.

O bago pa iyon.

RDP

Setyembre 2014

____________

sulat ng aking kaibigan sa pagitan.

Ang Araw na Ito

September 21, 2005

Ang birthday mo parang marker na rin ng kung ilang taon na tayong magkaibigan. 3 years na. Kung last year euphoric ang theme - high as a kite, honeymoon period... Ngayon, we're getting through a heavily sieving stage, and not unscathed. 

Not unscathed at all.

____________

Ilang buwan na rin syang walang linya. Kaya gusto nyang marinig mo naman kung tumitibok pa ba ang puso nya o kung may puso pa ba ang taong sinusundo mo sa opisina at inihahatid sa bahay nila.

Gusto n'yang humingi ng paumanhin dahil nangako syang maging kaibigan kahit ano pa ang mangyari. Naramdaman nyang kaya nyang gawin kaya madalas niyang sinusulat noon. Pero pagkatapos ng isang masaya, madugo at masalimuot na taon, she managed to be here, still around yes but she did not manage to be the same person she has been.

She emerged from the rubble not as sensitive, not as accommodating, not as submissive, not as "entertaining", not as herself anymore. But it's like meeting a new friend. Sorry...

Pero salamat dahil ikaw ang pumigil sa mga kamay niyang tuluyan nang bumibitiw. 
It took your pulling on her sleeve to look back at you and think again. 
Salamat at hindi mo pa rin siya sinukuan. 
Kahit mas mahirap na siyang pakisamahan ngayon.

Salamat sa pagpapa- alala ng mga alaala. Salamat sa pagtatago.
Sa pagbubura ng kalawang.

____________

Salamat dahil sinusubukan mong kaibiganin ang kaluluwang ipinapalit nya. Hindi na s'ya babalik. I made that decision as well. Hindi ako kasing vocal, kasing daring, kasing carefree n'ya. Iba siguro ang pag-intindi ko sa'yo sa pag-intindi n'ya. Wala na ang mahahabang sulat at mga walang okasyong text, walang walang usapan, walang walang hanggang time, wala pa ring /(slash) time...

Hindi ko nga alam kung may maipagmamalaki ako na wala sa kanya. Wala yata. Siya ang nagmahal at minahal ng mga taong minana ko sa kanya. Basta ang alam ko may naiwan pa siya na taglay ko rin pala: ang pagmamahal at pag-aalala n'ya sa inyo at sa'yo, na walang paliwanag, ang pagtitiwala at paniniwala n'ya sa'yo, ang hangad na mapabuti ka at maging masaya.

Yung mga hindi n'ya nakayang gawin, they're better done than said.

"Gagawin mo bang lahat yun?"
"I'm willing, and that's a start. Let's see where it takes me."

Isang bagay ang malinaw, despite everything that's happened, Espesyal ka pa rin - a unique piece of light that shone my way.

She loved you so much even to such an end.

And if you must have missed her, she undoubtedly misses you...

Happy birthday, Red.

____________

sulat ng isang nilumang kaibigan

Lovers-Loversan in Paris

Para kay Mr. Han-

na maraming karanasan sa buhay

pero walang masayang alaala.

Iniiwan na kita.

Ang hirap mo kasing mahalin...

    
    Sorry, wrong send. 

   At saka si Martin nga pala ako at hindi ko dapat kina-career ang linya ni Vivian. Gusto kong mag-explain dahil ako'y naiinis pero next time na lang at saka hindi naman mahalaga ang sasabihin ko as usual.

  Alam mo, wala na akong panahon pag-isipan ang mga nangyari sa akin - sa atin, lately. 

   On the one hand, ok na rin na less ang pagkikita natin. Familiarity breeds contempt daw eh. Saka s'yempre nagtatrabaho naman tayo pare-pareho. Hell, we need to work. And we smile and greet other people. But then, nakaka-miss lang yung aimless talking that we tend to do less now. What with limited time(slash)time, always tired and all...

     But you know what, after all is said and done, I'm still amazed at how things constantly surprise us in every bend, putting this decidedly "friendly, non-committing, unconditional, not romantic love" to test. I'm amazed at how I still hold on to everything after surges of pain and/or hormonal imbalances. I'm amazed at how deep the roots have become over time, how intricate the tangles have gone in every direction. I'm amazed at how I get scared leaving the dream I dreamed with you. 

     Should time come and while my other world threatens to dominate, ayokong lamunin ulit ako ng dati kong mundo - bihagin ng mga lumang panaginip na naging bangungot, ng pag-ibig na naging hapdi, ng buhay na pag-iral lamang.

     While I don't really feel like our world is slipping away, I'm forever checking myself if I haven't reverted back to my old self. Masaya na ako sa mundong ginawa ko kasama kayo. Lagi akong babalik at magtatampisaw sa "kakarampot na dalampasigan" ng mababaw na talong ito. Kahit malunod pa at dito matagpuan ang katapusan ko.

     No apologies and no thank you's this time. Just want to tell you that I'm still around despite the scarcity of time and the widening of space. And that I still care pretty much the same, if not more.

____________

sulat ng isang kaibigan pagkatapos ng laho

Isang Dekadang Pag-itan

Ang araw na iyon daw ay marker kung ilang taon na itong ating pagitan.

Isang muhon. 

Sampung taon.

Isang dekada ng mga alaala ang susuungin para muling makatungtong sa harap noon. Sampung biyahe ng mundo paikot ang aangkasan pabalik para muling marating ang parehong araw- ang tiyak na pagitan kung saan idinikta ng uniberso ang pasya- upang muling makapagpakilala:

                        Ako-

                        Ako ang iyong pagtitika. 

                        Ang iyong talinhaga. 

                        Iyong sapantaha.

                        Akala. 

*dito pagigitna ang kalawakan ng lahat ng hinagap  -ang lahat ng pasusubali sa mga teorya ng memorya.

                        Ikaw-

                        Ikaw  ang aking pagkawala.

                        Ang aking unawa.

                        Aking  panata.

                        Laya.

*dito naman dudugtong ang kakitiran ng iilang ginagap –ang lahat ng pananang-ayon sa mga konklusyon ng panunton.

Hanggang umulit muli ang mga wakas. 

Ito iyong kaarawan ng bukas ng mga bukas pa noon-

                        Ang bisperas ng habang panahon.

____________

Para sa maligayang kaarawan ng Bituin. 

From a Black Hole

It was quite a chapter.  And I’m not even crying.  For the first time in my life I am going to let go happy.

You are my many firsts. Fling, affair.. they ring not so unfamiliar bells. But perhaps because of the peculiarity of our situation, my self-righteousness notwithstanding, I succumbed to the charm that was yours- soft spoken, intelligent, neat, smells good, with those oh- so- kissable thin lips and cute perfect nose. I was endeared to the scent of your perpetually whiskey-laden tongue, to the sight of you cooking my breakfast, to the sound of your voice during intense, grueling meetings.

Hell, it was almost a perfect set up. We work well, we enjoy talking- we agree and we argue- we are comfortable with silence, we cuddle, we make love, we are living together in a forsaken place, being friends and lovers and colleagues at the same time. We are so compatible..

Almost perfect, yes. But not quite. Not so quite. Other than all the dreamy compatibility, we can never be more than that. The realities that we left behind do not permit us to pursue any further. Like you always tell me: “Mahihirapan ka lang..”

Yes, it is something that I am capable of doing but will not be happy doing, I think. I am used to the normalcy and bliss of ideal situations. I am happy now, because despite some difficulty entailing my distance, I have a good life—a good career, enough money, healthy family, long -time friends, sound sleep at night..

I have a good simple life. But having you there more than a colleague and friend will not make it better. If anything it will create a ripple that will send waves to as far as the unknown.

ME- I will lose my love, my friends’ trust, my parents’ respect.. I will lose confidence in myself that I have succeeded in achieving a happy normal life. It is selfish, even simplistic, but “normal” or conventional is still important to me.

YOU- you will lose your love, you will again disgrace your family, your friends.. You will never get that elusive peace of mind that you so seek.

At the end of the day, we will only be happy behind closed doors, when there are only the two of us, and nobody knows that we almost love each other. And yes, I will have a hard time. So will you.

So at this point that no trust or respect or love or company is lost yet, I am volunteering to let go. To stop this heady tranquility that we experience in each other’s arms.  To erase the illusion that this can be. Mahihirapan lang tayo.

Maybe in another lifetime. Maybe then it will be easy.

And I promise not to love anybody then. 

Until we meet again.

____________

sulat ng isang hindi kilala
(mula dito ang larawan)

Parang Life

“Life is a constant struggle to find happiness in a world that denies it, to seek a friend in a world that discriminates anything and anyone outside of oneself, to preserve dignity in a world that highlights flaws and solicits shame.

I waver sometimes. Well, oftentimes. I’m not sure where the courage to bounce is coming from. But every time I do, there is more comfort in crawling up than crawling into that hole. It gives me curious energy, renews my spirit, and replenishes my hopes.

And ultimately it imparts meaning - however vague and fleeting it may be - to my human existence.

Life is a constant struggle to live when we are born to die.”

____________________________________