From a Black Hole

It was quite a chapter.  And I’m not even crying.  For the first time in my life I am going to let go happy.

You are my many firsts. Fling, affair.. they ring not so unfamiliar bells. But perhaps because of the peculiarity of our situation, my self-righteousness notwithstanding, I succumbed to the charm that was yours- soft spoken, intelligent, neat, smells good, with those oh- so- kissable thin lips and cute perfect nose. I was endeared to the scent of your perpetually whiskey-laden tongue, to the sight of you cooking my breakfast, to the sound of your voice during intense, grueling meetings.

Hell, it was almost a perfect set up. We work well, we enjoy talking- we agree and we argue- we are comfortable with silence, we cuddle, we make love, we are living together in a forsaken place, being friends and lovers and colleagues at the same time. We are so compatible..

Almost perfect, yes. But not quite. Not so quite. Other than all the dreamy compatibility, we can never be more than that. The realities that we left behind do not permit us to pursue any further. Like you always tell me: “Mahihirapan ka lang..”

Yes, it is something that I am capable of doing but will not be happy doing, I think. I am used to the normalcy and bliss of ideal situations. I am happy now, because despite some difficulty entailing my distance, I have a good life—a good career, enough money, healthy family, long -time friends, sound sleep at night..

I have a good simple life. But having you there more than a colleague and friend will not make it better. If anything it will create a ripple that will send waves to as far as the unknown.

ME- I will lose my love, my friends’ trust, my parents’ respect.. I will lose confidence in myself that I have succeeded in achieving a happy normal life. It is selfish, even simplistic, but “normal” or conventional is still important to me.

YOU- you will lose your love, you will again disgrace your family, your friends.. You will never get that elusive peace of mind that you so seek.

At the end of the day, we will only be happy behind closed doors, when there are only the two of us, and nobody knows that we almost love each other. And yes, I will have a hard time. So will you.
So at this point that no trust or respect or love or company is lost yet, I am volunteering to let go. To stop this heady tranquility that we experience in each other’s arms.  To erase the illusion that this can be. Mahihirapan lang tayo.

Maybe in another lifetime. Maybe then it will be easy.

And I promise not to love anybody then. 

Until we meet again.
____________
sulat ng isang hindi kilala
(mula dito ang larawan)

14 comments:

  1. Sino ang bumitaw, Red? Yung puno o yung dahon? O malakas lang talaga ang hangin?

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    Replies
    1. Madaya yung puno. Alam n'yang magkakadahon sya ulit.

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  2. tsk tsk too complicated :( too deep :( too sad :(

    why is it that every time I read your new post I can't myself to comment after first read? I always need to come back, re-read and be puzzled?

    haist! red?

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    Replies
    1. ... and err... I can hear barry singing here "♫We have the right love at the wrong time♫"

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    2. naku sige sabihin ko sa nagsulat e pina-puzzle ka nya.

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    3. di ko rin alam ma'am kung bakit. siguro kasama yun sa pagsulat. Pag binasa mo ngayon, iba na ang naiisip mo pag binasa mo bukas.

      salamat sa pagbabasa.

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  3. sulat ng isang di kilala...hmmmm! ;P
    hang-lungkot, hang-bigat, hang-sakit!!! :(
    hehe...may h talaga eh. ;)

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  4. This singlehandedly is the most bitter letter I have ever read.

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    Replies
    1. naku mukhang alam na nya yan Yas.

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  5. Why is this so sad?? Na-speechless ako :(
    *hugs*

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    Replies
    1. because it is sad. salamat sa hug! :)

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  6. just take time to heal. it wouldn't be easy after all pero if u are willing to do so, it will happen. i can relate whats in ur heart. saka wala na atang makapitan yong bee ohh? hehehehe

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    Replies
    1. makakarating yan sa kanya.

      salamat po

      Delete