From a Black Hole

It was quite a chapter.  And I’m not even crying.  For the first time in my life I am going to let go happy.

You are my many firsts. Fling, affair.. they ring not so unfamiliar bells. But perhaps because of the peculiarity of our situation, my self-righteousness notwithstanding, I succumbed to the charm that was yours- soft spoken, intelligent, neat, smells good, with those oh- so- kissable thin lips and cute perfect nose. I was endeared to the scent of your perpetually whiskey-laden tongue, to the sight of you cooking my breakfast, to the sound of your voice during intense, grueling meetings.

Hell, it was almost a perfect set up. We work well, we enjoy talking- we agree and we argue- we are comfortable with silence, we cuddle, we make love, we are living together in a forsaken place, being friends and lovers and colleagues at the same time. We are so compatible..

Almost perfect, yes. But not quite. Not so quite. Other than all the dreamy compatibility, we can never be more than that. The realities that we left behind do not permit us to pursue any further. Like you always tell me: “Mahihirapan ka lang..”

Yes, it is something that I am capable of doing but will not be happy doing, I think. I am used to the normalcy and bliss of ideal situations. I am happy now, because despite some difficulty entailing my distance, I have a good life—a good career, enough money, healthy family, long -time friends, sound sleep at night..

I have a good simple life. But having you there more than a colleague and friend will not make it better. If anything it will create a ripple that will send waves to as far as the unknown.

ME- I will lose my love, my friends’ trust, my parents’ respect.. I will lose confidence in myself that I have succeeded in achieving a happy normal life. It is selfish, even simplistic, but “normal” or conventional is still important to me.

YOU- you will lose your love, you will again disgrace your family, your friends.. You will never get that elusive peace of mind that you so seek.

At the end of the day, we will only be happy behind closed doors, when there are only the two of us, and nobody knows that we almost love each other. And yes, I will have a hard time. So will you.

So at this point that no trust or respect or love or company is lost yet, I am volunteering to let go. To stop this heady tranquility that we experience in each other’s arms.  To erase the illusion that this can be. Mahihirapan lang tayo.

Maybe in another lifetime. Maybe then it will be easy.

And I promise not to love anybody then. 

Until we meet again.

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sulat ng isang hindi kilala
(mula dito ang larawan)

Parang Life

“Life is a constant struggle to find happiness in a world that denies it, to seek a friend in a world that discriminates anything and anyone outside of oneself, to preserve dignity in a world that highlights flaws and solicits shame.

I waver sometimes. Well, oftentimes. I’m not sure where the courage to bounce is coming from. But every time I do, there is more comfort in crawling up than crawling into that hole. It gives me curious energy, renews my spirit, and replenishes my hopes.

And ultimately it imparts meaning - however vague and fleeting it may be - to my human existence.

Life is a constant struggle to live when we are born to die.”

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At the Beginning

It hit me. This story of us is all a misconception from my end. I was so in love with you that I misconstrued your friendship for reciprocation. Even at the falling out, I mistook your silence for pain equivalent to mine.

And now that we are at the bumpy part of the ending road, I am still revisited by hopeless misinterpretation of a love that never was. The veil I have unshrouded. I have shook off most of the memories, more so the feelings. I have honestly forgotten the happy chunk and deliberately remembered the painful parts to help me get over the former.

Yet by some play of fate, we are rekindling, to my dismay. I fight off vehemently, literally and internally. And so far I'm still at the winning end. By being half-hearted I tend to see it from a far-off point and yet imbibed enough to get more of the revelation I have so long ignored but not willing to forego..

We are at the climax, resolving the conflict of the story before we give off a blastful or quiet ending, whichever it may be, then roll the credits.

Why, you'd ask, when we have died as our parts with each other? Because a story doesn't end unexplained. That is not a story. That's the way for real life.And ours is just a story. A chapter in our lives that has to end. Which is worse when left unexplained, a life or a death? Probably both because the two are one - integral and cannot be separate from each other.

Life is not but without worth at its end. The art of forgetting, I have mastered it that even the important part I forget. My recovery is the vagueness of memory.

Forget poignant. 

Forget vivid. 

They're all[.]

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